5 books every man should read
/5 books every man should read
Because I love men and y’all drive me crazy, I’ve been on a quest to figure out WHY IN THE EVERLOVING MULTIVERSE men do the things they do. It can’t be that guys are just idiots. Can it?
For the past eight years I’ve been diving into masculinities and partnership studies to try to answer this question. Because we’re in this together. And because I see a lot of pain, confusion, and—frankly—idiocy all around.
I’ve also had this knowing, deep down, that there was more to the story—that the unraveling we’re seeing with our dominator systems (the shadow of patriarchy and unhealthy masculinity), tech addiction and the isolation that breeds, rising rates of depression and suicide, degradation of the environment, the bigger button than his button—has deeper roots than we might think.
(To be clear, I do not believe that all women are faultless. We perpetuate systems of domination, too. I also do not absolve anyone of responsibility—we are all responsible for our actions.)
We are all capable of generating love and causing harm.
It’s just that currently, our culture has systems in place that make it more likely that men have the power to do more damage, whether they realize it or not—and whether they wish to or not.
Men are cast into the roles of dominators—whether they want to be, or not.
But systems can change, and my work is about creating systems that make it easier—not harder—for each one of us to be authentic, connected, healthy, joyful humans.
Because joyful people are generous and generative, and those are the qualities that will create the more beautiful world we know is possible.
It starts with each one of us.
This is why I created the Healing Masculinity coaching journey—to help us understand what healthy masculinity can look like in every part of our lives, how to find off-ramps from unhealthy masculinity, how to be whole human beings—and how to co-create systems that prioritize the health and happiness of all.
These five books have stood out for me because they are not about seeking retribution, they are about the evolution that can happen when we learn what healthy masculinity looks like.
There is no finger-pointing. There is no “us” versus “them.” The blame game is not useful. Men are not the problem, bad systems that foster and reward bad behavior are.
These books provide lots of really good information about how bad systems perpetuate pain, and what we can do about it.
Information about how men can harness the power of GENERATIVITY to live a joyful and healthy life that is aligned in authenticity.
The more authentic we are, the more we are able to connect with others from that authentic place—which is what true connection is all about.
But the old paradigm of “masculinity” actively annihilates true connection. This is disastrous.
So, men, and those who love them—and anyone who is interested in learning about how masculinity plays out in our lives—if you are ready to shift into the new paradigm of collaboration, co-creation, and joy, please check out these books.
Share them with your friends. Ask your significant others to read them.
These are important.
YOU are important.
And if you’re already one of those men on the joyful, healthy, self-actualized, generative side of masculinity? Hooray! Please, please, be a model for other men—share your stories, share your tools, share this post, share your encouragement.
Above all, share your LOVE. It is needed.
While some of these books were written specifically for men, I believe everyone on the planet can benefit from a deeper understanding of the current culture of masculinity and how it shows up in us all, in our psyches and our systems.
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks
This is probably the most important book I’ve ever read. It broke my heart. It also confirmed a suspicion that I’d been harboring for decades:
Cultures and systems of domination (patriarchy, racism, sexism, ableism…) do not care that men are miserable; they literally bank on it.
bell hooks lays out clearly how men are conditioned to disconnect from themselves. This creates a sub-conscious (or not) rage that is harnessed to dominate others—because it’s profitable.
This is not okay. Everyone should be infuriated by this, because we are all losing out because of this. Every single one of us.
Key quotes:
“Only a revolution of values in our nation will end male violence, and that revolution will necessarily be based on a love ethic. To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males simply for being.”
“Men cannot change if there are no blueprints for change. Men cannot love if they are not taught the art of loving.”
Men: This is why your heart is so important, and why I refuse to leave it out of the conversation, whether it’s about leadership, relationships, corporate culture, or any other arena.
Do not listen to anyone who tells you your heart is irrelevant in any scenario. With respect, they are simply wrong.
Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously by Osho
I love courage. I am constantly in awe of courageous people. I spend a lot of time getting up my courage, acting courageously—or wishing I had. And it’s no wonder: courage starts in the heart, so when we do act with courage, our hearts sing—and when we don’t, it leaves a little piece of our hearts that much… flatter.
The word “courage” even has the Latin root “cor,” which means “heart.” It’s the heart that empowers us in those moments when logic fails us. And in this world, it requires a LOT of courage to live a life of freedom, love, and joy.
With mastery and mystic quirkiness, Osho explores everyday courage and how to cultivate it.
Key quotes:
“A man really becomes a man when he accepts total responsibility—he is responsible for whatsoever he is. This is the first courage, the greatest courage.”
“You cannot be truthful if you are not courageous. You cannot be loving if you are not courageous. You cannot be trusting if you are not courageous. You cannot inquire into reality if you are not courageous. You cannot inquire into reality if you are not courageous. Hence courage comes first and everything else follows.”
“Risk is the only guarantee for being truly alive.”
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the archetypes of the mature masculine by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
A deep exploration of masculinity through four Jungian archetypes, as well as the important role of initiation rites in making the transition from boyhood to manhood (at any age).
What’s great about this book is that it makes clear the distinction between mature masculinity and unhealthy masculinity, boy psychology and man psychology, and how we can better balance these energies.
This helps dispel any notions that masculinity is somehow "bad," but rather how it can have negative consequences when out of balance.
You’ll learn how to access these archetypal energies for guidance, how to balance your warrior energy with your lover energy, and how to fully embody your masculinity as a generative, affirming, and empowered human.
Key quotes:
“Patriarchy, in our view, is an attack on masculinity in its fullness as well as femininity in its fullness. Those caught up in the structures and dynamics of patriarchy seek to dominate not only women but men as well. Patriarchy is based on fear—the boy’s fear, the immature masculine’s fear—of women, to be sure, but also fear of men. Boys fear women. They also fear real men.”
“In the present crisis of masculinity we do not need, as some feminists are saying, less masculine power. We need more. But we need more of the mature masculine. We need more Man psychology. We need to develop a sense of calmness about masculine power so we don’t have to act out dominating, disempowering behavior towards others.”
Self-Renewal: The Individual and the Innovative Society by John W. Gardner
In Gardner’s own words, “It’s a book about the things that hem you in and the things that liberate you. It’s about coping with change. It’s about the loss and renewal of vitality.”
If there’s one gift I would give to men, it would be a reclaiming of their vitality and vibrancy. I see so much tamped down energy because of the narrowness of roles, and this is a damn shame.
Gardner writes about the importance of self-knowledge, motivation, courage, and having the courage to fail, at both the individual and systems levels—which I think is key.
At its core, it’s about self-empowerment and re-creation: of yourself, and the world.
Key quotes:
“The capacity to germinate is in the individual seed. And the source of creativity for the society is in the person. Renewal springs from the freshness and vitality of individual men and women.”
“Exploration of the full range of our own potentialities is not something that we can safely leave to the chances of life. It is something to be pursued systematically, or at least avidly, to the end of our days. We should look forward to an endless and unpredictable dialogue between our potentialities and the claims of life—not only the claims we encounter, but the claims we invent. And by potentialities I mean not just skills, but the full range of our capacities for sensing, wondering, learning, understanding, loving, and aspiring.”
YES.
The Power of Partnership: Seven Relationships That Will Change Your Life by Riane Eisler
I wish everyone, everywhere would read this book. Eisler explains clearly and elegantly how partnership is the key to creating a world we love—and how to do partnership well.
She explores many different types of partnership: being a good partner to ourselves, our loved ones, our communities, to nature, to the world.
Even better, with each chapter she provides ACTION STEPS to move from a dominator model to a partnership model.
It’s literally a how-to manual for evolution.
I follow her Center for Partnership Studies, was thunderstruck by The Chalice and the Blade (a sweeping exploration of how the sacred feminine became suppressed over the millennia, and what that has cost us), and next on my reading list is Sacred Pleasure: Sex, Myth, and the Politics of the Body. She is brilliant.
Eisler is moving the conversation about sexuality and gender politics—which has become the conversation about human survival—not just by undertaking expansive research and avoiding the binary blame game, but by offering us real tools for propelling the conversation into action. This is what we need.
Key quotes:
“If we live in a culture that pushes us to tune out rather than tune in to ourselves, it’s difficult to be aware and fully alive. If different aspects of our being are chronically suppressed to fit into dominator families, workplaces, and other social and economic institutions, we learn not only to suppress these aspects but we also learn to disengage from our capacity for feeling—including our great capacity to feel joy and love.”
“The problem is not ‘human nature.’ It is not science and technology. The problem is that the domination/control model leads to imbalanced relations with ourselves, our planet, and those with whom we share the planet. Viewing our challenges from the perspective of partnership is the first step. By expanding our awareness and helping expand that of others, we begin the long journey home to the kind of society we need to survive and thrive.”
“Every moment of our lives is an opportunity, a potential moment for partnership and the sharing of love, achievement, growth, and accomplishment.”
These are just a handful of the many resources out there. I’ll cover more in other posts, and in our coaching. I hope you’ll do some exploring. If there’s anything you find particularly useful, I’d love to know!