Masculinity doesn’t need to be detoxxed, it needs to be healed.
What does healing mean?
Heading back to wholeness.
Our current cultural norm for masculinity is utterly fragmented—it requires a vivisection of self that is not just unhealthy, but dangerous for everyone.
Men are conditioned to suppress emotions, not show vulnerability, not share their joy and their authenticity, not express themselves in the full spectrum of possibilities. Seeking care or comfort is “for sissies.” They don’t even have the same variety of clothes options women have—simply wearing pink is considered edgy (how in the world did that brainwashery happen?!? So fucking arbitrary.) When they do show any of this, they’re denigrated—for being too feminine.
All of the epithets thrown at men are about the valuelessness of the feminine:
“Don’t be a pussy.” “You cry like a girl.”
What utter bullshit. Completely arbitrary, made-up bullshit. If it were just arbitrary, okay. But the problem is, this does real damage on a huge scale—and not just to women and girls.
The problem is, these parts of ourselves are not just feminine traits of the female gender, they are human needs.
The dominant mainstream indoctrination of masculinity requires men to separate from their humanity. Let this sink in.
This disconnection from self makes men susceptible to being manipulated, and the rage, isolation, and shame they feel are harnessed—because anger is profitable. Because sexism is profitable. Because racism is profitable. Because homophobia is profitable Because shame is profitable. Because divide and conquer is profitable, and it is the oldest trick in the book—because it works.
As bell hooks wrote in her landmark book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, “The first job of patriarchy is to disconnect men from themselves.”
The horror of it all is that shame, isolation, and disconnection breed violence, oppression, and rage.
Sometimes that violence is turned outward and expressed as racism, sexism, homo- and transphobia, degradation of the planet and its creatures, slash-and-burn development, domination, exploitation, hoarding, plain old assholery.
Sometimes, that violence is turned inward and expressed as depression, mental illness, self-harm, or suicide.
Everything we see happening in the world today is utterly predictable.
Disconnecting anyone from themselves results in violence—the only variable is how it manifests.
I consider this a crime against humanity.
The antidote, then? Give men (and everyone) the opportunity to reconnect with themselves. To heal. To love. To love themselves, so they can love others.
What would healing masculinity look like?
Embracing the full, healthy range of expression + emotion.
Learning how to express anger in healthy ways—not lash out in violence, rage, oppression—so that it can then be transmuted into generative activism.
Learning how to regulate the nervous system, especially when it’s stuck in a protracted state of fight, which manifests as dominance, violence, exploitation, overpowering, general assholery.
Learning the skills to connect intimately and vibrantly with all of life, not remain detached, apathetic, or scornful of connection.
Learning how to discern what one’s needs and desires are, how to communicate them in a healthy way, and how to get them met in a healthy way—so we don’t resort to manipulation, control, or domination to get them met.
Discovering what nourishing, regenerative relationships look like—with the earth, our loved ones, communities, and self.
Dismantling the idea that growth = accumulation. Accumulation is just more stuff. Sometimes, that’s dead weight, imbalance, or false growth, or growth according to someone else’s beliefs. True growth includes letting go of certain things, as well as expanding in the direction of what we truly love—not what others tell us we should love.
Shedding the myth that dominance = power. Dominance is actually a coping mechanism for NOT feeling one’s power. (What a paradigm-shift—the news isn’t that women feel powerful, it’s that MEN DON’T.)
Understanding that true power comes from within—that love of self is key to our own power. This may well come with learning how to atone, make amends, forgive, grieve, learn new skills, unearth deep soul desires, share gifts, create joy, create health and a healthy environment.
Learning that healthy, aligned masculinity is the perfect complement to healthy, aligned femininity—not its foe, controller, or oppressor, but its potentiator and balancer.
Learning that healthy, aligned femininity potentiates and balances the masculine, as well.
Knowing that this is a healing path for ALL humans, regardless of gender. That we are all flowing with the energies of masculinity, femininity, androgyny, non-binary, and countless other currents that we can heal and express in healthy ways.
That the more we consciously understand and balance these energies, the more personal power we have to navigate and respond to life in healthy, happy ways.
Reclaiming joy. Joy is your birthright. Turn it back on, and turn it all the way up. Then share it.
When we can learn new awareness and skills, and cultivate the courage to act on them, life itself becomes our sacred intimate, our partner in potentiation and joy.
That is true power, not toxic power—the kind that heals the self AND the collective in symbiosis. Healing is a collective act.
To heal masculinity, reconnect it.
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If you haven’t already, I highly encourage you to read The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks. I wish it were required reading for every human.
