Replace judgment with curiosity.
This is one of the best tools I ever learned.
Instead of immediately adding my judgment to a situation, if I add curiosity I can expand my understanding—and if I can expand my understanding, I might be able to help transform a problem, instead of just being ticked off about it.
So, instead of:
“What a dumb idea, I can’t believe they did that, what a nincompoop!”
It becomes:
“How interesting that they are a nincompoop. I wonder why?”
(This also applies to my own nincompoopery. And to yours.)
This helps me to see the factors at play that produced said nincompoopery: the conditions, desires, and needs that led someone to believe nincompoopery was their best option.
And when I can understand that the behavior was a result of a variety of factors—and have compassion for it—I can start to imagine how to shift some of the factors that perpetuate nincompoopery, and OFFER OTHER POSSIBILITIES.
(To be clear: This does not mean we excuse or tolerate bad behavior. I’ve said this before, and I’ll continue to say it: just because we can become aware of the conditions that led someone to choose bad behavior—or worse, violence, abuse, destruction, neglect—does not mean anyone is absolved of their actions. We are all accountable for our actions. And, the only way to change behavior is to offer other options—when we can practice curiosity, we can better fathom off-ramps from destructive behavior and provide alternatives.)
Curiosity is generative. Judgment is not.
There’s a time and place for judgment—but there are so many things that need the fuel of curiosity to help drive actual transformation.
More often than not, judgment is stagnant; it stops the exploration, and the evolution. Judgment is seductive—it feels good to judge someone for bad behavior, like we’re aligning with the high ground. The problem is, it rarely spurs change. And if you truly want real change, then judgment just isn’t the right tool.
Next time you find yourself judging—someone, something, or yourself—see if you can add curiosity to see what conditions produced the thing you’re judging.
This is where the wiggle room is. And wiggle room provides the off-ramp from nincompoopery.
This is how we act in partnership with what life is actually presenting, rather than what we think it SHOULD be presenting and judging it for not doing that. And acting in partnership with reality is the only way to shift it.
