Redefine authority. Don't outsource your power.

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Redefine authority. Don’t outsource yours.

We have an authority problem. Mostly, that we’ve outsourced our own inner authority to external “experts” and “authorities.”

Doctors.

Politicians.

Clergy.

Bosses.

Data.

I’m not suggesting that people in these roles are not helpful or good at what they do. (I’m also not suggesting that they ALL are.) I believe in expertise, experience, wisdom, and learning from others.

The problem is, somewhere along the way expertise became tangled up in systems of dominance. Authority became something externalized, something we were commanded to “look up” to. It became hierarchical—and worse, substitutional. It was meant to supplant our own self-knowledge

When that happens, and when we don’t develop our own inner authority—our own self-knowledge, intuition, and agency—we get exploited and manipulated.

It’s time to make ourselves the authority—literally, the authors—of our own lives. We have agency, intuition and instinct to develop self-awareness and self-knowledge. We can collect our own experiential data about what happens when we live life—just by paying attention to our intuition, instinct, and the world around us.

When we develop a strong compass based on our own integrity and self-knowledge—and ADD that to the knowledge of experts, rather than suppressing our own inner expertise in order to elevate someone else’s knowledge—that’s when we can evolve the conversation. Create better outcomes. Create healthier lives.

Don’t outsource your own authority. Write your own life; others can be contributing editors, but you get to author the plot. Write what you know: yourself.

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What’s one way to develop your inner authority? Add your intuition to your intellect.

The Age of Reason has had a good run. 

Reason is good. Reason created some elegant methods for pursuing knowledge. We’ve solved some problems. We’ve discovered so much.

How’s that working out for us? Are we happier, healthier, more in love with life?

For many of us, there’s still something missing.

The Age of Intuition is re-emerging.

True to character, it has been gestating in the murky nether-regions of our soil and psyches, crafting an underground network of connection, meaning, and love as we’ve flailed above, trying not to need all of those things that aren’t susceptible to the slick schtick of reason.

We’ve become experts at consuming knowledge—it is more available to us than ever, we can consume it more quickly than ever.

But… then what?

When we add intuition to intellect, we’re using a broader spectrum of knowledge. Knowledge can grow into the fullness of wisdom.

Intuition IS knowledge.

It’s just a different pathway for acquiring knowledge than the singular cerebral way we’ve been taught over the past few hundred years.

Intuition is thinking differently—not thinking ABOUT things differently (though this will be a likely outcome), but literally using a different mechanism for thinking: intuition.

Interestingly, intuition is not behind a paywall.

Intuition is freely available to all.

Intuition gathers its own data, and still manages to be evidence-based.

Intuition bypasses “authority.”

Which is exactly why it has been maligned and relegated to the world of woo—it’s basically free power. 

Intuition isn’t going to fix all of your problems. But it will add depth to your knowledge, and help turn it into wisdom.

Intuition will help you understand yourself more deeply. It will help you understand others more fully.

Intuition will help you see the patterns that connect your personal experience to the world at large—and beyond.

Adding intuition to intellect is how we find our way back to healthy humanity—deep humans, deep connection, for a healthy planet, for all.

Untangle your value from your rank + role.

Untangle your value from your rank + role.

Most of us currently operate within cultures that use hierarchy to signal authority, rank, and expertise.

Bosses, C-suite, and experts are seen as more valuable than those who fall lower on the totem pole.

Rank is equated to power, high value, leadership, and dominance.

But we’ve mixed up our PERSONAL value with FUNCTIONAL value of roles and rank within hierarchy.

Someone higher up may (or not) have more functional value than someone else.

But no one is more inherently valuable as a human being than others. Our value has nothing to do with our jobs. To be a humanful leader—one who is collaborative, co-creative, and inclusive—this is crucial to understand.

The function of our role, however, becomes more or less valuable depending on the circumstances. We just don’t have systems that reflect that, by and large—we have fixed systems, not fluid ones.

When hierarchy + identity become entangled, things go wonky.

Hierarchies are useful: triage, emergencies, situations requiring quick, coordinated execution and pre-planned strategies and protocols. In these cases, functions meet context, and a fixed hierarchy is efficient and effective. Makes sense.

But as rigid models used to signal rank + dominance—which in our culture have also come to signal personal value—hierarchies become a tool for disconnection. When every action is ranked, each action becomes a judgment of better than/less than—every action becomes a transaction.

When relationships become transactional, we lose the possibilities that come from collaborating, co-creating, and mutual respect; we end up relying more on people-pleasing or politicking to receive accolades—and our salaries.

We run the risk of losing ourselves, because our identities are not found in rank, roles, or value judgments about them (even if someone tells you they are); identity can only be found within.

This is one reason why many leaders end up feeling “alone at the top,” or disconnected from the reality of their organization. The farther apart the roles in a hierarchy, the more disconnection and distrust exists between them.

Others can feel less-than, like imposters, or needing to pacify those at higher levels.

This inhibits healthy competition, which arises from going all in with others who are willing to do the same. 

It also hinders the institution from operating effectively as an organism. We all saw during COVID that the value of a role is largely contextual: front-line healthcare workers became the most valuable roles on the planet, but their rank within hierarchy didn’t necessarily reflect that.

Creativity, collaboration, and innovation rely on mutual connection, respect, safety. Rank and hierarchy hinder this—unless proactive steps are taken to make sure that they don’t.

This is a loss at a personal level: managing egos is far less interesting than evolving our expertise.

It’s also a systemic loss: rank hinders feedback that flows up, and feedback is intelligence about the organism’s health. Why might feedback be withheld? Because it might be received as an affront to rank by the ego—and if that person is the one who evaluates us, and our evaluations are what ensure we get to pay our bills… well, that’s some dynamic tension right there. Let’s talk about it.

When we untangle personal identity from role/rank within hierarchy—when organizations can focus more on functional aspects of hierarchy and less on egoic—that creates an ecosystem that fosters healthy human collaboration, competition, and creativity.

That is an open, innovative system. That is growth mindset. That is evolution.

What could healing hierarchy look like?

1. Untangle value judgments from roles within hierarchy.

2. View it as a multi-faceted, contextual organism in service of a mission rather than a tool for wielding dominance.

What if we revalued hierarchies?

What if the current way of overvaluing the top and undervaluing the bottom of the triangle is flawed? Not because hierarchies are bad, but because fixed hierarchies have been used for signaling dominance, which is arbitrary, which erodes connection, which erodes trust between individuals and of institutions, which erodes community, which erodes human prosperity, which erodes generosity and compassion and joy?

What if we used hierarchies as a fluid tool that could flatten and reassemble based on context and necessity?

Where affluence flowed to the most valuable based on circumstance—not fixed, arbitrary judgments of who has more “social capital” or “power” than whom?

What if the hierarchy understood that the top of the triangle only exists because the entire rest of it exists? That it is a reciprocal, interdependent system that can only operate as a unit? That every role is only as valuable as the circumstances it responds to, which will shift because life does?

What if hierarchy knew how to get itself into flow state?

What if the structures and systems we build evolve as quickly as we do?

This is part of my series “Healing Hierarchy: How to shift from domination to collaboration in the workplace.” More to come.

Step one: Redefine power

Redefine “power” to mean being in love with life. YOUR life.

What would it feel like if you were in love + lust with your life? What would it look like?

What would the world look like if everyone was in love with their lives? What if that was non-negotiable?

I can’t magically make our problems go away. This is not an excuse to turn away from the suffering in the world and what we all need to do to alleviate it.

But I can learn what I love, and hold myself accountable to honoring what I love with my time and energy. I can learn what makes me feel vibrant, and honor that with my time and energy.

I can learn to scale out my perspective so I see how indescribably beautiful the sheer improbability of this planet is.

I can marvel at the craziness of fireflies, and feel a little bit jealous that I can’t do that.

I can do others the honor of asking them what they love, what brings them alive. 

When I allow myself to do what I love, I feel powerful, happy, generous. When I’m filled to overflowing with my own humanity, I want to do that with everyone else.

I happen to think that if we all did this, the world would start healing in bigger and faster ways. And this is totally doable. It’s not everything (or maybe it is), but it’s something.

Joy loves joy. Power loves power. When power is joyful, and joy is powerful, we will have found ourselves smack in the middle of a new paradigm.

Start right now. Some ideas? Glad you asked! Here are a few:

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When someone asks you what you do, tell them what you love.

Then ask them what they love.

What if we were all allies, helping each other to uphold for ourselves what we love, helping us stay true to what we love? What if we were asked many times a day to share what we love, and why? What if what we love is non-negotiable?

We all “do” a million things, play a million roles. I think what you love is the most interesting thing about you. I’d love to know what you love.

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Take off your masks.

We all play a million parts throughout our lives. Often, we put on masks in order to fit into different scenarios, to be acceptable to different people, to be valued by various systems—all of which are playing their parts, as well.

The problem is, we sometimes lose sight of who we truly are beneath our roles and masks.

We play our parts so well, we forget that they are just that: parts.

And when we lose sight of ourselves, we need others to validate our existence, rather than knowing the truth of ourselves—and sharing it—from the inside out.

Who are you without your masks? What would happen if you took them off, one by one? What if vulnerability and transparency was accompanied by relief—relief that you can finally respond to life as YOU, not a small subset of you?

We find ourselves in a strange spacetime in history where we are both starving for connection and inundated with it at the same time.

What we’re craving is not just any and all connection, but authentic, nourishing, pleasurable connection: not surface-level, smush-yourself-down-into-a-box-to-conform empty-calorie connection.

We’re aching for quality, not quantity.

There are those of us who want more of you. There are those of us who want to see all of you, and are waiting for you to reveal the rich facets of who you are so we can play as whole, in-it-all-together human beings.

Trust follows truth.

Connection follows trust.

Authentic connection heals the trauma of disconnection—and of domination masquerading as connection.

Taking off our masks is a great first step.

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Don’t make an impact ON the world, realign with its natural intelligence. And yours.

If you’re reading this, you probably think a lot about where we’re headed as earthlings. I sure do. You know you want to do good, to leave the world a better place. I want that, too.

But I’ve also realized that life wants something from me.

That my intentions, no matter how noble, how visionary, will rapidly become wobbly if I don’t anchor them in what the world needs and desires along with me.

That imposing my vision on the world is a very old-school, will-based, power-over, my way or the highway pattern. It’s all about me. It’s about making my mark, making an impact ON. This is the type of overpowering that happens when we’re actually unsure of our power.

But my relationship with life needs to be consensual.

Playing WITH life, co-creating along with it—that’s the bigger game. That’s the game I want to play. Then it is about me, and also about everyone and everything else. The beauty of this is that, while I might be cultivating my particular vision of a garden, I’m never doing it alone.

Life is telling us what it desires all the time. It is showing us where there are needs all the time. It is giving us opportunities to learn about our deepest desires and gifts all the time (#naps). It is giving us information about what we definitely want no part of all the time (#math).

When we align our natural intelligence—the feedback system of pleasure, pain, love, grief, talent, joy, beliefs, vision—with the natural intelligence of the world, then we will have aligned ourselves with life as it is: a fluid ecosystem continually giving and receiving feedback about how to come back into balance.

This feels much more real than pretending I’m in control of it all.

This is how you co-create an impact FOR the world, with the world.

This feels much more connected to my natural human intelligence, which intuitively and instinctively knows that everything is interdependent, that systems have innate intelligence.

This feels like a relief. Try it out. Let me know how it goes?

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Asking for help is you exercising your agency; it is NOT “victim-mode.”

Enough with the victim-shaming. Asking for help is not the same thing as asking someone to do something for you, it’s asking someone to do something WITH you.

Our true nature is to give, AND to receive. We are not designed to do everything alone.

Do we need to build up our strength, skills, resourcefulness? Absolutely.

Can we be prompted to see and rely on our own power + agency? Absolutely. 

Do we need to rescue everyone? Nope. 

But we need to get real about the fact that there are incredibly difficult circumstances that people need help with. Sometimes, this even means doing something for them.

Telling someone (or yourself) to get out of “survival mode” and into “thriving mode” may be turning a blind eye to the systemic circumstances that perpetuate pain + suffering, and puts all of the burden on the individual to overcome them.

There is a time and place for “thriving mode,” for sure. But we need to be able to discern whether or not our minds, bodies, nervous systems, and external experiences are aligned enough for us to make that transition. If not, we end up stuck and feeling the shame of yet another “failure” to live up to our potential.

Please, be kind with yourself + others. It’s entirely possible that we have within us conflicting parts, some of which are able to thrive, some that aren’t. This is just fine, as long as we don’t bulldoze the parts that aren’t yet ready to shift or glorify the parts that are.

It may be that the “victimy” part desperately longs to know it doesn’t have to do life alone.

We will likely flow in and out if thriving + surviving, victimhood + creatorhood throughout our lives, just because life is life.

We are works in progress, always. So is life. Understanding this might be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself, and others.

Why feedback feels risky and what to do about it

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To the ego, feedback is a threat. In a growth system, feedback is a necessity.

Offering feedback can feel risky, whether it’s at work or to someone we have a close relationship with. Receiving feedback can feel awful.

But why?

Because we have egos.

The ego feels threatened by feedback when its identity is wrapped up in ideas of perfection, authority, goodness, worthiness, value, or rank.

“Perfection” doesn’t need feedback, it’s already perfect—so feedback threatens its perfection. However, there’s no such thing as perfection, so what that’s all about is actually needing to be perceived as excellent. It’s about identity—and comparison.

“Authority” is in charge, so feedback threatens its in-chargeness—its power over others, its higher rank (which keeps the ego feeling worthy). This is also about identity and comparison.

The ego HATES its identity being questioned.

This is why, in an organization, it can feel risky to offer feedback up—if the hierarchy is rigid and identities are very invested in their rank within it, then the person receiving the feedback can feel like their authority is being questioned.

The person offering the feedback feels vulnerable, because the person they’re giving the feedback to is often the one who evaluates them—and thus can determine their livelihood.

This is one of the perils of hierarchy—and a great loss.

In our personal relationships, the stakes are also high: we risk the possibility of rupture if we lack the skills to navigate the dynamic of giving and receiving feedback graciously. No wonder we don’t like to deal with this.

This is source of tension that’s rarely talked about, but very real and pretty common.

Instead of tiptoeing around our egos and pretending this dynamic isn’t happening, why not just admit to the fact that our feathers get ruffled—but that’s okay, we can learn the skills to get on with things anyway?

Any organization, system, or relationship that plans to grow needs feedback. Without it, it’s flying blind and stunting its own growth.

Like failure, feedback is just data.

When we remove judgment from it, it’s neutral—not an attack on someone’s skill, worth, or authority.

It IS an admission that things are not perfect—which is REAL. Reality is something we can work with.

And so are egos: we can learn to witness our egos, but not let them derail the feedback loop.

We can build feedback-sharing practices into businesses and relationships so it’s expected and welcomed—like vacuuming under the rug when we’ve swept stuff under it. It’s just good hygiene.

We can de-personalize the feedback, so it doesn’t feel so vulnerable: it’s just what happened, not the sum total of who you/we are.

Again, we get tangled in the identity piece.

The more feedback we give and receive, the more our egos can relax into and trust the new pattern.

We’re all still responsible for our actions, but the more we give and get feedback about how we’re impacted by events and our part in them, the more levers we have to find healthier ways of doing things.

Without feedback, we’re stuck repeating the same unhealthy habits.

We can learn that our egos can survive feedback, and even better—thrive beyond it.

Then, we can grow—together.

The best tool I ever learned

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Replace judgment with curiosity.

This is one of the best tools I ever learned.

Instead of immediately adding my judgment to a situation, if I add curiosity I can expand my understanding—and if I can expand my understanding, I might be able to help transform a problem, instead of just being ticked off about it.

So, instead of:

“What a dumb idea, I can’t believe they did that, what a nincompoop!”

It becomes:

“How interesting that they are a nincompoop. I wonder why?”

(This also applies to my own nincompoopery. And to yours.)

This helps me to see the factors at play that produced said nincompoopery: the conditions, desires, and needs that led someone to believe nincompoopery was their best option.

And when I can understand that the behavior was a result of a variety of factors—and have compassion for it—I can start to imagine how to shift some of the factors that perpetuate nincompoopery, and OFFER OTHER POSSIBILITIES.

(To be clear: This does not mean we excuse or tolerate bad behavior. I’ve said this before, and I’ll continue to say it: just because we can become aware of the conditions that led someone to choose bad behavior—or worse, violence, abuse, destruction, neglect—does not mean anyone is absolved of their actions. We are all accountable for our actions. And, the only way to change behavior is to offer other options—when we can practice curiosity, we can better fathom off-ramps from destructive behavior and provide alternatives.)

Curiosity is generative. Judgment is not.

There’s a time and place for judgment—but there are so many things that need the fuel of curiosity to help drive actual transformation.

More often than not, judgment is stagnant; it stops the exploration, and the evolution. Judgment is seductive—it feels good to judge someone for bad behavior, like we’re aligning with the high ground. The problem is, it rarely spurs change. And if you truly want real change, then judgment just isn’t the right tool.

Next time you find yourself judging—someone, something, or yourself—see if you can add curiosity to see what conditions produced the thing you’re judging.

This is where the wiggle room is. And wiggle room provides the off-ramp from nincompoopery.

This is how we act in partnership with what life is actually presenting, rather than what we think it SHOULD be presenting and judging it for not doing that. And acting in partnership with reality is the only way to shift it.

How to practice partnership

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How to practice partnership

The first step to practicing partnership is realizing that you are already in partnership—with everyone and everything.

Everything in the universe is interdependent.

You are in a partnership with yourself: your body, your mind, your spirit.

You are in a partnership with other humans, and with their bodies, minds, and spirits.

You are in partnership with communities, institutions, ecosystems.

You are in partnership with the planet.

We all are. What would it look like if we all acted like good, conscious partners to elevate and nourish each other and the planet, rather than individuals jockeying for rank and position perched on top of a randomly spinning sphere?

Sometimes, we forget that every possible thing in the entire multiverse is connected.

That WE are connected to everything.

That every act and thought has ripple effects in the immediate and over billions of years. (Or, that perhaps there is no time and it’s all just happening NOW.) That every possibility is right here, right now. 

That every action has a reciprocal reaction.

What we do for ourselves, we do for others. What we do for others, we do for ourselves. I think the Golden Rule must have danced with the laws of thermodynamics.

We can’t know all the arcs of every story we’re connected to.

But we can make sure that the fundamental pattern of reciprocity is the basis of our relationships: with ourselves, our loved ones, our communities, our systems, our planet.

This isn’t just stuff for the meditation mat, this is our blueprint for taking action in alignment with all that is.

We are living in a sorely divided world; forgetting that we are all connected, and fearing that connection, are taking a massive toll.

What if connection felt amazing, not unsafe?

What if sharing what we love wasn’t used as a way to manipulate us, but as a way to see where we’re the same, AND where we’re different—and celebrating all of those perspectives?

What if re/membering connection helps us realize that we are IN THIS with every other thing, and that we better take care of ourselves and our world, because it’s all US?

If this sounds like a lot, start with yourself. Love yourself. Hold yourself accountable to what you love. Hold yourself accountable for your nincompoopery.

Hold humanity accountable to its humanness—to its great capacity to love, and to eff things up—and to the idea that maybe if we loved outrageously all the freakin’ time instead of rationing it, there’d be less nincompoopery to deal with.

And if you’re ready for next-level partnership?

Invite others to elevate their game along with you.

Steel sharpens steel.

Vibrant, joyful, creative humans love playing with other vibrant, joyful, creative humans.

It’s how we evolve past our own edges and see new possibilities.

How we potentiate ourselves and each other.

How we feel the fullness of our humanity.

How we create a new paradigm by embodying the power of being fully human WITH others, FOR others.

Daring to be fully human with others—and with the planet, not just on it—is how we evolve.

If you’re a visionary who wants to co-create a more beautiful world, not leave it behind—let’s elevate.